Tuesday, January 01, 2013

An End and A Beginning

It moves, swings, never stops. 
A year closes and ends, another begins. 
A life ends, a new one begins. 

Yet the world, this world, it never stops spinning. 
Pain comes, knocks us over, leaves us breathless and we're left to keep going.
Keep moving.
Keep living. 

What we wouldn't give to just pause the rush of water around us. 

Twice this year I found myself opening myself up to incredible joy, irresistible joy.
Twice I found myself with tear stained cheeks and cuts that would fade to scars. 
We open ourselves up to joy and that opens us up to pain
Just as I felt that my hurt was healing, the cut was coming together ... 
the wound was ripped open anew. 
Salt and vinegar poured on my open heart. 

Three times we said hello to a new baby, a new family member. 
Three times we let ourselves imagine the new addition ... 
the clothes, the smells, the change in our family.
Three times we were chosen to say goodbye to that new baby. 
I doubted after once, I doubted more after a third.  
Especially losing so closely together these last times.  

07.2006 - we said goodbye to our first angel.
07.30.12 - we said goodbye to our second angel. 
10.28.12 - we said goodbye to our third. 

Life swirled
All I wanted was a pause button. 
But life doesn't pause, it doesn't stop. 
Everything moves forward and you feel like you can't catch your breath.
Early mornings, late nights,
clothes to be washed and folded and put away.
Dishes, diapers,
dirty faces to be wiped,
hands to be washed,
bodies to be bathed.

Yet, even as life hurts and surrounds us, 
He moves.
He breathes
He works
He shapes
He molds
He holds
He heals
He carries
He loves

He does not break us in our pain, He shapes us.  
He breathes into us, for us.

And as we seek Him, His heart, we are transformed.
Our ugly is transformed to beauty.
Our pain is transformed to joy.
Our failures, falls, and missteps are transformed to grace.

When all the world seems
and lonely
and hard
He breathes into the holes of our life
and shows us Himself. .
If we let Him, He will bind our wounds and make us whole
even through our pain.

He is faithful.

Before June 2012, I prayed for 2 years that we would be able to welcome another baby to our family.
God was faithful, He answered my prayer.
Since July 2012, my girls have prayed nearly daily for "mama to have another baby."
God has been faithful, not once, but twice!
Losing our babies does not mean our God is not faithful,
or uncaring,
or unloving,
or the bringer of pain.

It is quite the opposite.
Because of His faithfulness, my prayers were answered three times.
Because of His care, my heart was healed twice.
Because if His love, I am the mother of 8, EIGHT, children!
And because He is the author and perfecter of life,
we excitedly await the arrival of a new baby, due in August!

I have been nervous.
I have worried.
Three pregnancies in six months ...
I think those are natural emotions.
But I choose to trust.
I choose to believe, knowing it could also end in pain.

The joy is knowing He does not abandon.
He does not forsake.
His salvation rings ever true, even in pain.
I was never promised a life free of pain when I came to the feet of my Savior.
In fact, I was told there would  be heartache and trouble but ...
to take heart, He has overcome!

So, with joy and hope, I say goodbye to 2012 and welcome 2013.